A stranger picked up some trash...

...and I began to wonder why people do nice things. Why do people stop to pick up someone else's litter? Why do people give you the ten cents you need to buy a cup of coffee? Why do they send cards at birthdays or in times of illness or death? Why do people give you a chunk of money when you don't deserve it?

I know that often my acts of kindness are motivated by my love for Jesus. He would want me to take care of the earth and people around me. I love him more than anyone in this world and trust him completely. He would ask this of me. But what about other people. What motivates people to be kind to one another and this earth?

-Musings while studying at Starbucks on a rainy morning

me and the Church

Believing in God is less risky than believing in the Church.

I'm not talking about belief as in proof-of-existence.  Better synonyms might be hope. expectation. anticipation.

God has this defining characteristic where He comes through.  God exceeds expectations.  But people don't.  People are selfish, lazy, arrogant, insecure.  People are me.

I want hope. expectation. anticipation. for our new home, SF Lighthouse.  So much is happening that my soul resonates with.  But it's risky.  I'm in the infatuation stage of a dating relationship.  Eventually I'll be hurt. disappointed. let down.  There are just too many people in the Church.  There is just too much of me in the Church.

To be clear, I'm not coming from a negative church experience.  Agape Church in SLO was instrumental in my spiritual growth over the last 5 years I attended.  It's not any one church.  Instead, I find I continually have doubts about the Church as an organization.  Damn postmodern child that I am, I question anything structured, advertised, or non-organic (except Apple products, of course).

Perhaps I need not worry so much about my faith in God right now and concern myself with my faith in his Church.  It's a different kind of faith.  Not a faith like I have in God, that belief that he will exceed expectations.  But the faith that He knows what he is doing with his Church as an organization.  And the faith that every once in a while, his Church glistens in the pre-dawn light, and for that moment the Kingdom of God seems very much at hand....

To recover that faith, SF Lighthouse seems a good place for the journey.

Church Found!

After much searching we have found a church to call home. During our search for a place to worship, I grew discouraged that the Church as Jesus intended, is disappearing. Our home church in San Luis Obispo was a church that sought Gods heart even when it was difficult, had a Godly passion for justice, for the Word of God, and for healing in God's people. This church was growing and had some beautiful visions for where they were moving in the future. We were very sad to leave it.

I believed that finding a church in San Francisco would be easy. After all, there are so many social justice happenings in San Francisco I assumed that God's people would be doing God's work. There is such a diversity of people, that I assumed the Church would reflect that. It turns out that Christians, even with suffering and poverty surrounding them, are still able to be cliquish, self centered, rich, pious, and segregated. The brutal reality is that the church is in full of broken people who do not want to be broken, even in a city where brokenness is all around. I fell into the trap that once we left the idyllic San Luis Obispo, Christians would be more aware of the marginalized, because they would walk past the marginalized every day. It is not so. Christians here, just like in San Luis Obispo, can choose to ignore the call to truly follow Jesus. And then it hits me. So can I. Although I am pursuing a degree in social justice and equity, I had left my Savior out of the redemption process. I relied on social justice theorist to teach me how to bring justice. I had forgotten that Jesus had already shown me how. I had forgotten that he is the only reason I am even here.

While struggling with my ability to betray Jesus every day by claiming to be my own savior and struggling with the hypocrisy of Christians, God brought a miracle into our lives.

We were down to two other churches that were very different and had things we liked and didn't like. We were struggling with were God wanted us, because we weren't feeling very called to either. After Danny found Lighthouse Church on Yelp and suggested we go. The service we went to in late November touched me in a profound way. Jesus reached down to me and comforted my lonely, broken, and bruised heart. All that I had been struggling with before moving to San Francisco and since living here, seemed a lot less heavy and overwhelming. Jesus reminded me that he had the answers and I could just relax and be with him. I felt so free to love my Jesus again.

I knew that this was the place for me. It had been the only place that I had met with Jesus in the city.

We continued going for a couple of weeks around the holidays. We attended a small group which they call Beloved Communities. We have been included in bbqs and softball games. Just last week Danny asked if we were ready to start giving our tithe to this church. I looked at him and said, "I think so. I think this is our new home."

I feel like Peter...I followed Jesus out onto the water (San Francisco and seeking justice in the education system) fully believing in him and his ability to have authority over darkness. However, at some point I became too centered on worldly justice, too disappointed in my fellow Christians, and too overwhelmed by the enormity of suffering that happens in the 46.7 square miles of the city. But God, in his merciful love, reached down and pulls me out. He didn't let me drown. He asks why I ever doubted him. He assures me he had a place for us all along. A place where I can wrestle with these issues social justice and Christians with other like minded people. A place where I can cry. A place where he will give me healing. I just needed to be reminded, as a good friend told me, Jesus is the only one who brings true justice in the world and in my life.

So, we have found a home to be ourselves, to be broken, to seek Jesus, to love the city, and friends to do life together.

Happy New Year

As I walked home tonight from my local market carrying my locally grown and sold produce, I saw the ocean reflecting pink puffy sky.

As I walked home tonight in my new toms from my adoring husband, I saw people hurrying home and wondered if they will be greeted by someone they love.

As I walked home tonight, past the Thai ice tea place, the pizza joint, the french bakery, the library, Walgreens, and the Chinese restaurant that has become "our" place, I am filled with love for my home.

As I walked home I realized that I am ready to let this love for Taraval St. overflow to my neighbors. It has been a year and half since I returned from my summer in Fresno and I am once again ready to ask: What does it look like to love my neighbor?

Home

We have been missing from the blogging world due to papers for me, travel, and work for Danny. This is just a quick musing on what God seems to gently revealing to me everywhere I turn.

It is the concept of home. Henry Nouwen wrote this wonderful book The Return of the Prodigal Son, which I started reading a couple of weeks ago. The first section is about the prodigal son returning home. When I first started reading, I sobbed at the amazing thought of coming home to a father with as much grace and unconditional love as this father. I was tired, confused, and not feeling at home, yet in SF. Nouwen's words offered not conviction, but hope and invitation to come "home" to my Father's embrace, no strings attached.

I did, but the curveballs of life got in the way of me going home everyday. Then, we went to church this Sunday and the Pastor preached on Jesus overturning the money tables in the temple (John 2:13-22). His sermon was brilliant and at the end, during a prayer and response time, he was talking about home. I'm not really sure how he got there except by the power of the Holy Spirit, because that was the literal word I needed to hear. I needed the image of two children who are so confident in their father's love and provision that they stand in front of a double doored frige with both doors wide open and do not feel any shame about the electricity they are wasting. Tears came streaming down my face at the thought of having enough confidence in Jesus' love and grace to stand with the proverbial fridge wide open.

The Lord seems to be trying to tell me to live at home. To live in his embrace and the peace that comes from that. If I lived like I have been truly forgiven and am loved unconditionally, I would have so much more freedom. I would no longer be consumed by the fear of what others think about me. I would be able to love, without expecting anything in return.

So, I want to come home...each day.

Who has the power?

Yesterday, I (Robyn) was slapped awake by Matt Lauer on the Today show. He was interviewing Kanye West. It was a true example of who holds the power in "today's" society. Check it out here

While I don't agree the delivery of West's original comment (he said President Bush didn't like Black people after Huricanne Katrina), he made some good points in the interview with Lauer. However, Lauer did not address the issues and put words in West's mouth, saying "so, you are sorry?" West was very careful never to say he was sorry and I'm not sure that he was is, which is his prerogative. The interview ends with West saying that what he said may not have been delivered the message in the best way, but it came from a good place within him. I understood that he was not trying to be malicious, but there might be some merit to what he said. 


Matt Lauer made some overly simplified "wrap up comment" that essentially was "we are all human and make mistakes." That summary is so far off from what I though Mr. West was trying to convey it might as well be in Timbuktu. Lauer never addresses the race issue which West brought up multiple times....how can you be interviewing someone about a race comment and the word race doesn't end up in your summary comment? Rant over. 

So that is my first problem...Matt Lauer is telling Kanye West what to say and feel. 

West made an excellent point that the conversation around Katrina and many things that happen in this country are related to race. He said that is a "way bigger" conversation involving how this country was built, the struggles "we" (Black people) have faced, gentrification, etc. 

Lauer's response: guilt him into an apology by showing him how emotional the ex President was. SERIOUSLY?! Lauer treated him like a child who needed to be showed how much he hurt someone in order to illicit an apology. West is a grown man! He can apologize or not. And I don't see Lauer asking the ex President to apologize for his delayed reaction to Katrina, which hurt thousands of people or asking the ex President to apologize for the thousands of innocent lives that have been lost on a wild goose chase in Iraq. 

So that is my second problem....Matt Lauer treats Kanye West like he is a child. 

To top it all off, Lauer felt the need to reveal footage that was not a part of the final cut of the interview. The only reason you would do that? In order to cover your own ass and to make Kanye West look bad. 


There could be many reasons why Mr. West did not want the tape of him interrupting Swift at the MTV awards. A couple, off the top of my head are, he was embarrassed, he already apologized, so it should be OVER, or he was already emotional and didn't want to get more riled up. Another explanation could have been that he saw it as disrespectful. He had come to do an interview and you cut away from him. I know you do it every day, but I didn't see you do it the President. And yet another explanation might be that he has a different way of processing information and having two things happening at once is hard for him. Geeze, cut the guy some slack! Just because he did not behave like the white people you have on the show, doesn't mean you need to roll your eyes, shake your head at him, and comment that there was nothing inappropriate. Who are you to decide that Matt Lauer? God? Because I disagree with you and I think your whole interview was a bit rude and degrading. 

Third problem...trying to make an intellegent Black Man, who is well informed on current race relations and has considerable clout in the public eye, look bad to shut him up. 

The last thing that West said in regards to the Swift incident was to comment on him being called a racist. He was about to explain and then he got distracted by the clip and his explanation was never shown. THAT was what I want to see, especially since he began with "what i was expressing was my frustration from years and years of seeing.............." Was he going to point out that white people win a lot more? Was he going to say that he has seen talented artist loose, just because they are Black? A possible comment that would pull the veil back further to reveal the current race trends in our society, lost. One step forward for Matt Lauer career, two steps back for people of color. 

What kind of perception of Black people is NBC perpetuating in the minds of the viewers, most of whom are probably white? What message are they trying to send to the nation with this story? Are we as viewers taking into consideration the subversive message that we are unknowingly consuming about other races? 


I respect NBC's freedom of the press. They can show whatever they want. I just felt the another opinion, another voice, should be heard. 

Shame on you Matt Lauer. Shame on you Today show. And Shame on you NBC. 

Too bad the jokes on 30-Rock are all too real...

Album Review: The Age of Adz by Sufjan Stevens

What's the occasion?  Robyn and I are seeing Sufjan live in concert on Monday in Oakland!

The Beatles are my go-to foursome, and Death Cab for Cutie will always represent my quintessential college semi-angst-filled journey, but deep-down, Sufjan may be my favorite.  From the moment I first heard Illinois in 2005, the man from metropolis may have stolen my heart (in a strictly plutonic way...don't worry Robyn).  I anticipate each post-Thanksgiving earbud session when I reward my year-long iPod discipline with a fresh dose of Songs for Christmas albums I-V (I hold that "Sister Winter" is the greatest Christmas song, ever).  Sufjan offers so much that resonates with me:  a slow musical build-up, simply gorgeous instrumental layers, ear-tickling lyricism, and deep, self-reflective, often spiritual themes.  And the whiteness in me cannot resist that banjo.

What do I think of The Age of Adz?

The album is certainly new ground for a Sufjan-gone-electronic.  At first impression, this album is more dirty, messy, and complex than the simple elegance of Michigan and Seven Swans.  While the album does not measure up to Illinois (and how could it?  Paste named Illinois the album of the decade), I am excited about Sufjan's experimentation.  Now having broken a mold he himself created, Sufjan has given himself new creative frontiers to explore.

Sufjan explores deeper and darker themes, both musically and lyrically, in this album.  I appreciate the honesty of "I Want to Be Well", gutturally crying the song-title statement as a plea each of us have uttered in the dark.  The Age of Adz has moments that remind me of the Postal Service or Bono (like in "Too Much" and "Age of Adz," respectively) and even verges on Hip-Hop (robot voice!  "Impossible Soul").  But of course it would not be Sufjan without the addicting repetition of happiness ("Vesuvius," the clear pop attention grabber of the album).  And perhaps the prophetic "Get Real, Get Right" is Sufjan's clearest expression of faith since Seven Swans.  All that said, my favorite track is "Impossible Soul," essentially 26 glorious minutes that showcase the breadth of Sufjan's talent.

All you Sufjan Steven's fans out there, I would love to hear what you think about The Age of Adz!