Grief

I have been absent for a couple of months. I had grand hopes of blogging more about our trip to Europe, about life, and about my teaching experience.

Then, on November 25, my life changed: my mother died. I was on my way to see her. I was not ready. I still can not believe it.

Before this happened I thought I understood grief. Grief had found me when at the tender age of 13 when my beloved grandfather died and then at 15 a school friend died without warning. Again, at 16 my dear friend of grief visited when another friend, with a terminal illness, went home to dance with her maker. In 2009 my grandmother, who I resemble and relate to in the physical and cognitive, joined the love of her life after 91 and 364 day of life on earth. The grief of losing those beloved still makes me catch my breath, but I have never experienced grief like this before.

The irony is that the Wednesday before my mom passed, I was home sick from teaching. I had lost my voice. I was more sick than I have been in awhile. I went for a walk up to the hill near our home. The sun was bursting through the clouds from the down pour earlier and I could see a dearly loved city. While my body was stressed, my heart and soul were at peace. Joy seeped into my marrow and I thought, "life is good". Five days later, my husband would tell me my mom had passed away while I sat talking about her to her sister, my aunt. My life would never be the same again.

Now, three and half months later, my life has become a day by day, moment by moment existence. While I exists in that existence, I want to share my journey. So if you will allow, my thoughts will be posted here, because this is the "way" that this Chevalier-Hall finds herself on. (This blog was created to document the road we San Francisco Halls are traveling, so it is appropriate that as I, Robyn, find myself on the path of grief, that grief in fact the "Hall-way" for me right now.) Join along if you care (or need) to dive into the world of grief.

Beer for Dinner

Editor's Note: This entry is from our Europe Trip and was originally written July 5th, 2013

I was already on beer number three when the waiter realized he had forgotten our beer sausages. He said he would bring them right away.

Not that I was too concerned. I was still full from my second breakfast. Yes, second breakfast. The first I ate with eyes half-open while descending in an airbus over the Fatherland. The second was a disheveled affair where I stuffed my face with Nutella and fruit at the hotel buffet.

I ordered beer number four. Our host ticked another mark on the coaster. This was tic mark number 8. Robyn was up to my challenge.

Beer in Germany costs less than soda, I jokingly observed to Robyn.

Still no beer sausages...

We struck up a light-hearted conversation with our tablemates, representatives from Milan, Paris, and Vienna who had converged upon Düsseldorf for their media company's annual meetings. They paid their bill and headed to catch their respective flights.

So we left too. Without the beer sausages. I'm still unsure what a beer sausage is. Unsure and incredibly intrigued.

We returned to Hotel Berial, thoroughly jet-lagged and slightly buzzed.


Tiredly I pulled out a napkin containing the smuggled leftovers from our earlier buffet. My third breakfast.

Three breakfasts and beer for dinner.

The view from Hotel Berial

Vacation and Blogging don't mix

So, we had high aspirations of blogging while we were in Europe this summer, but a combination of inconsistent internet access, blinding heat, a work schedule that is not the typical American 9-5 desk job, and traveling between five countries in two weeks.

I will try to catch you up on our experiences, but it will be a challenge to cram a once in a life time experience into a handful of snappy blogs that won't bore you.

Come along and relive our crazy summer with  us!

"This is happening...you can stay or you can go, but this happening"

The title for this post comes from NBC's 30 Rock and it has been running through my head all day today. Today was the final count down...you know it is close when you can check into your flight online. We spent the day organizing electronics, booking the last few sleeping place, and doing the third target run of this trip for last minute supplies.

But before we could leave our journey took us to two weddings. One was a Vegas wedding for our dear college friends Brad and Jacey and the other was for my brother-in-law in beautiful La Jolla. There are many stories and memories with each, but for now just know that we have been busy and blessed with friends and family.

Tomorrow morning at 4:30am we begin our trek. More to come...

P.S. I have received many word of encouragement and support. I am pleased to report that I am more excited than nervous at this point and am ready to begin my journey.

The Unexpected Journey...Sort of...

"We don't want any adventures here thank you! You might try over the hill or across the water."-Bilbo 

Bilbo does not like adventures. He likes to stay in his warm Hobbit hole and eat his delicious food and be comfortable. He does not like his comfort disrupted. Yet, he embarks on a legendary trek that sparks one of the most epic journeys ever capture in literature. Why does he go? Mostly because Gandalf knew he was just the man for the job...and he was! Perhaps Gandalf sensed that Bilbo's legacy would last beyond their journey together. Bilbo's adventure is an amazing story (seriously, check out Danny's post here), but Frodo's journey is epic. Bilbo needed to go on his adventure so his nephew would be poised to, well, save the world. 

Bilbo begins his Unexpected Journey

Our adventure is neither as dramatic nor as unexpected as Bilbo's. However, at the start, I resonate with Bilbo and fear that I am a hobbit at heart. I want to stay in the comfort of my home. I am leery of the tasks needed in order to survive in the world. I do not want to venture out into the unknown. Yes, I did plan this trip with Danny. And yes, we have booked every night's lodging in order to prevent sleeping on the street and most modes of transportation, but there are still many unknown things. 

Bilbo's journey reminds me of two things: 1. I travel in order to change and 2. I need a wise friend to encourage me out the door. I am blessed to have Danny who has, with a gleam in his eye, reminded me that we will be living our dreams. He tells me it is good to leave all my possession, which have such a strong hold on me, and rely only on what I can carry on my back. As I emotionally prepared last night I found other reasons to go: It is good for me to get out of the city and live in the country. It is good to be isolated with my husband, away from the daily distractions that can consume our quality time. It is good to take a risk. 

I am hoping that I will come back a better hobbit. 

Tuscany, Italy

To those of you who are confused, Danny and I have left San Francisco for the summer. We will be gone for two months. We will be celebrating weddings in So Cal for some of the time, but mostly we will be working at a B&B in Tuscany Italy in exchange for room and board. We will also be traveling to Paris, London, Croatia, and Bosnia. Traveling to Europe has been a dream since we started dating. (The truth is we would love to live abroad, but are settling at this chapter in our lives for a summer abroad). I am very excited, but also nervous. Check back to hear tales from our unexpected journey. 

Life Update

I am still wrestling with the concept of a Scandalous Jesus, but life has interfered in my reflective practice. Because of some complications, I may not be teaching 7th grade math and science at my school next year. In January we, my administration and I, had thought I would for sure have a postion at Melrose, but in March we became aware that I was on a temporary contract. As much as my principal wants to keep me, she may not be able to due to district politics. So, I have been on the hunt for a new job, just in case. I had two interviews this week that went well and are both for middle school math and science. One job is in Oakland and one job is in San Francisco. Right now I am in a holding pattern, waiting for a call back, hoping my current principal can sort things out, and continuing to apply for other positions, just in case.

Meanwhile Danny is giving the biggest presentation of his academic career today with two hours of sleep. One of his group members, who is from Polland, stayed with us last week and tomorrow we are hosting is entire team, from all over the world, for a celebration. Oh, and he continues with his other classes and Research Assistant and Teacher Assistant positions. Needless to say, we have been busy, stressed, and overwhelmed. To add to the madness we also made the decision to go spend the summer in Europe without me having a job locked down for next year.

So many emotions and thoughts have come up in this time:
1. Is it smart to take off for the summer if I don't have a job?
2. Is is being careless with the resources God has given us?
3. Or has God blessed us with resources and time to take this adventure to restore our souls after a year of intensity in the city and in school?
4. Where should I take a job? Is it selfish to take an increase in pay and less of a comute?
5. Is it selfish to want to teach "easier" students? (Which hit me yesterday as I dealt with behavior issues  all day in class yesterday. This is an especially challenging question since I pride myself on being "called" to the difficult students. Am I already burned out after a year? Or is this why God is giving me Europe? To revive my soul and marriage to enter back into the spiritual battle ground of inner-city teaching? Either way, I don't like the feel this questions brought up...)
6. Am I ready to be a leader in incorporating social justice into my curriculum?
7. Is it selfish to want more of my husband's attention, when he is already giving me everything he has?
8. Why do I crave my "own" space so much?
9. What do I need for our trip and what do I just want?
10. What is the purpose of this trip?
11. Am I becoming lazy in my current job, because I am withdrawing?
12. When are we ever going to settle down, buy a house, and have kids? (Random I know.)
12. What does God have for me in all this?

I know...it is a lot of questions. But I was reminded this week through Richard Foster's Sanctuary of the Soul that when I listen to the voice of God, he rarely has provided me with a life a map. Instead he offers me peace, security, and rest. And I felt these things as I let go of all my questions, let my Lord be with me, and let the truth that he loves me and he has good plans for me sink in. When the flood of questions and insecurities come, I remember that I am loved and he has never let me down before. I am going to keep persisting in taking risks each day with the trust that he will catch me if I fall.

Teenagers, Booze, and Grace - Oh my!

I am still exploring the scandalous Jesus.

However, I have come to a couple of conclusions:

1. I am too busy to blog all of my thoughts.

2. Jesus uses young people to speak his word.

3. Giving up stuff for Lent is totally a creation of the church.

4. Jesus will still die for me everyday so that I can know God's love everyday, no matter what I do.

Number one speaks for itself.

We went on a trip to see our dear friends JJ and Tessa and while at their church God spoke to me. He didn't speak through the Lenton devotional by Henri Nouwen that Danny and I read that morning. He didn't speak through the the sermon on the same topic. Instead, he spoke through a sophomore boy. I couldn't tell you what the young man said, but at that moment, I heard Jesus say I am right here. I have everything you need. I felt filled. I felt a peace I haven't felt in awhile. Most of society do not think that our youth have much to offer. In a comercial for Tully's coffee, it is the adult that literally does all the talking. Just the other day one of my students lamented that we (adults) never give them any place to speak. We are all just waiting for teenagers to "grow-up". I don't have any Biblical proof, but Jesus did not use adults to speak to me, but a young person. What would happen if the world gave young people more space to speak? It would cause a bit of disruption in our churches, because, trust me, young people do not always say things in the most eloquent way, but they may be saying what our hearts need to hear.

On the topic of giving stuff up. I have given up alcohol for Lent. I have also broken my fast twice. One night I got a bottle of wine with then intention of seeing what would happen if I broke my fast on a non-Sunday (apparently the rules of Lent-giving-up state that you get a break on Sunday, because it is a day of rest). I realized walking home, that it didn't matter. My salvation was secure. God said it didn't matter if I broke these "rules". He said he would love me no matter what rules I break. I also googled it and fasting during the 40 days leading up to Lent is a convention the early church created in order to facilitate a deeper understanding of the sacrifice of Christ on the cross.

At the same time, I have been challenged with not being disciplined enough. Today, I had a glass of wine. Today it wasn't a test of boundaries. Today it was because I had a lot of grading, Danny has been absent while he finishing end-of-the-quarter projects, and I am lonely. If I had some wine, was I a bad Christian? Was I filling the hole with something other than Jesus? Again, as I walked home from the bus I felt God's unconditional love like I haven't felt in a long time. I felt free from having to be the perfect Christian. I felt free to fail. I felt God holding me in his arms and saying that he would be there to help me cope.

Lent may be about understanding Jesus' suffering and sacrifice, but Jesus understands the suffering I see everyday, the self-sacrifice it takes to love my students, and the daily refinement happening in my heart. During my time of imperfect fasting, his resurrection has been felt more keenly than any other day this year.

I have given up alcohol for Lent once in college. I broke the fast only once, for Saint Patrick's day, and I never felt the grace of God like I have during this Lent season. I am f*ed up and am tired of pretending I am not.

What would happen if I held firm to my fast? Would I be blessed by feeling the depth of grace God has for me? Would I feel in my soul his deep love that compelled him to send his son to death? Possibly, but maybe not. Jesus chose to meet me in my unlawfulness with a glass of wine in hand, which is a substance that has a tense relationship with those in the church. If that isn't scandalous, I don't know what is.

So far, my Jesus has been found in a teenager's humble words, a bottle of wine, and some honest self reflection.

Scandalous Jesus: Diction

Note: This is the second post in a my Lent series. For the introductory post, click here.

Scandalous: Adjective
1. disgraceful; shameful or shocking, improper
2. attracted to or preoccupied with scandal

             Scandal: Noun

1. a disgraceful or discreditable action, circumstance, etc.

2. an offense caused by fault or misdeed.

3. damage to reputation; public disgrace.

4. defamatory talk, malicious gossip.

5. a person whose conduct brings disgrace or offense.

Diction is a lost art in today's world. The word "epic" is so over used that it can describe a car ride or an imaginary world full of mystical plant people. (Yes, the movie is actually called EPIC). Once upon a time, "epic" described heroic, majestic, or impressively great (dictionary.com) events. I'm not convinced that this can describe car ride to the grocery store or this specific movie. Epic has been cheapened in order to sell products. Daily I am challenged to continue using my adult vernacular, but define the "big" words I use so that my students are both exposed to challenging vocabulary and can still comprehend what I am trying to communicate. Word choice is significant in our journey to communicate with others effectively. 

That is why I started my reflective journey by first defining the word "scandalous".  Overall, the literal definition of scandalous or scandal seems to be any action or personality quirk that would ostracize you from society. Postmodern scholars will push back and question who decides what is disgraceful, improper, or offensive? What may offend people in my mom's generations, the baby boomers, may be a drop in the bucket to one of my peers. On the other hand, things that were normal in the 50s, like racial slurs, would be highly offensive to me today. Acceptable social behavior is influence by so many factors, like age, gender, religion, socio-economics, etc. So who decides what is scandalous? 

Well for the sake of this blog, I do. But in general, I would argue that if Jesus is not pushing our buttons - no matter our generation, gender, income level, ethnicity, religious background, or political party - then he is no longer scandalous. Jesus needs to remain offensive to all of us or his message is no longer challenging. If his message is no longer challenging, then why should we listen? If we aren't changed by our interactions with Jesus, then why should we follow him on a daily basis?

I may get on board with some of the things Jesus did in his ministry, like allowing women to be  disciples with the men (Luke 10:38-42) or feeding the hungry (Mark 6:30-44), but there are other things that challenge me. For example, when Jesus says those that mourn will  be comforted (Matthew 5:4), I often reply, yes, but when Lord? Some pain is perpetually inflicted or so deep that it takes years to heal from it. Will I really ever be truly comforted in this life? Will others who struggle with depression ever see freedom? I struggle with this promise. Another story that bothers is me is when Jesus call Peter, Peter walks on water, and then Peter fails. That just sucks. I know there are bigger truths to this story, but I still struggle with the fact that Jesus seemed to ask Peter to fail. Peter could have succeeded, but he didn't. He failed and I don't like that Jesus sometimes asks us to follow im into situations or places where we will ultimately fail. It makes me uncomfortable. 

I am going to see if Jesus' meaning in his actions would be considered disgraceful, shocking, improper or shameful today. Whether or not you agree with my use of the word scandalous or the way I define it in future posts, I hope the meaning of what I am trying to say comes through: Is Jesus still challenging us today? Does he make us uncomfortable in social circumstances? Does he push us to the outside of what is normal? 

Is Jesus still Scandalous?

When our pastor preaches about the resurrection of Jesus he describes it as scandalous. It was outrageous! A man died and then came back to life, upsetting generations of religious rhetoric. And that was only the cherry on top of years of ministry, which were so upsetting to those in power that they killed him. During his life he was friends with the marginal and transformed the lives of people who society had categorized as beyond saving. The people in power wanted him on their side, but he chose a cohort of ragamuffins instead.

Yes, this could also be the description of Shonda Rhimes new show, Scandal...well without the rising from the dead. And the star being killed...well so far.

The essence of my faith is described by my pastor as scandalous. I love it! I want my faith to be described as scandalous. I want my faith to make people uncomfortable. I want it to constantly challenge the religious norms. I want to question what people take as fact. I want to experience situations where Christians are uncomfortable. I want to do what no what expects me to do.

I like that my Jesus did the same things.

However, when I look around the Church, ask my difficult questions, and get answers that are out of touch with the reality around me, I wonder if my Jesus is still scandalous enough for today's world. Or is it the Church that isn't scandalous enough for Jesus?

This is my quest during Lent. Either I will find that Jesus is in fact irrelevant, boring, and not "crazy" enough for the world we live in today or I will find in the scriptures the Jesus who was outrageous enough to win this sassy, sensitive, and scandalous girl's heart. If it is the latter, then I will feel confident in fully pursuing the scandalous path I have only just begun to traverse in the Church and world. Pray for me.

A Valentine

I know it is not Valentine's day, but this Valentine can not wait.

I have a new job. Since September I have been working with Oakland Unified School District as a reading intervention teacher and a 7th grade math and science teacher. While I am doing two part-time jobs, my heart is with my middle schoolers. I have postponed writing about my experience due to exhaustion from being a new teacher and feeling inadequate to capture my new adventure with words. The words have finally come to me and I am no longer feeling like I am drowning in work.

The other day I opened the door to my class and a slow smile spread across my face. I wasn't expecting it, it just appeared on my face. "I love my classroom. I love my job" flitted through my mind. This was explained the spontaneous expression of joy and contentment displayed across my face. 

Currently, I am in a training for Restorative Justice. I hope to write more about this in the future, but if you are curious now, here is an overview from the National Council on Crime and Delinquency. In schools RJ is used when harm is done or as a way to build community in order to decrease detention and referral rates. Our training time is a blend of  cerebral learning about how to lead Circles and also experiencing a Circle time for ourselves. My training group consists of some parents, fellow teachers, after school teachers, and school aids. I still don't know everyone's name, but I feel closer to these people than most people in my life. I feel heard, understood, and valued. This is what I want for my students more than anything. I love the training I am receiving. 

This school is a perfect fit for me. Teachers understand the systemic injustices facing black and brown children and are actively discussing ways to challenge these injustices. My colleagues love to laugh and have a good time. They are learners and are constantly striving to improve their practice. The principal observes me and offers me honest feedback. She serves me by giving me a ride to BART and opens her personal life to me when she shares about her family. I love my school. 

My mentor for BTSA is at my school....and there is no other way to it express my relationship with her except to say "she gets me." She is the kind of teacher who gives her heart to her students. She is the kind of person you for a best friend. I have never had someone build such a deep trust with me so quickly. By watching her and allowing her honestly speak into my craft, she is helping form me into the teacher I have always wanted to be.

My partner teacher has taught in the past, but this is her first year back in about 5 years and she is new to middle school as well as our school. She offers a balance of being a veteran teacher who can share in the mind boggling experience of being a middle school teacher. These pre-teens are very different than children. Oh, and she just completed her PhD at Standford in Language accusation and has two kids. She is humble, funny, and one of the most efficient people I have met and yet is a self proclaimed "messy person." I want to be her when I grow up. I love my mentors.

And lastly I love my students. The more I hear their stories the more I admire them. The more I hear their insecurities the more I want to impress upon them their significance. The more I hear their hearts the more I am ok with storming out of class or yelling at me. They are starting to trust me and I realize what an honor and responsibility it is to hold their fragile trust in my hands. They challenge me to be the person that I want to be. They challenge me to be more like Jesus. They also will challenge my agenda, math skills, and every statement that comes out of my mouth everyday, but man I love them.

While this all sounds nice and fluffy, there is a rough side of love. I have cried for my own mistakes and hurt ego. I have been exhausted and lost my temper in class and resorted to (gasp) copying answers from a book. I have cried after a debrief with my principal. I have wondered if I am in the right profession. I have had kids flip me off,  punch each other, and throw things. I am still planning lessons on a day to day basis and am a couple of unit behind the district outline in math.....and science. Most days I feel like a failure.

But when I sit and eat my lunch and hear a group of my girls openly gossiping in front of me I feel right. When these girls feel they can openly share what is in their not quite child, not quit adult hearts - the pain, the questions, the joy - I simply love my job. And not just because I love to gossip. I love the relationship that is forming between us. We are falling in love. 

Spreading the Word

Deep down I am an activist. I want to change the world and make it a better place. Deep down I am also a coward who is fearful for my safety.

The internet is a great place for me to be an activist, because I can say what I need to say and you can take it or leave it. It relieves each of us from accountability.

In this case, I am taking action and inviting you to join me.

Tonight, I came across an issue that is a bit disturbing: Victoria's Secret shut down a viral campaign called "pinklovesconsent.com", because they were using their brand name, "pink", and heart logo. This campaign was merely trying to create a catchy parody that would capture people's attention long enough to educate them that "consent is sexy". Pink loves consent campaign was working to combat the culture of rape that is rampent in our country. This is a good thing, so why does Victoria's Secret want to shut it down? Because this is "confusing" their customers. But I digress...

If you want to more information read HERE and at the Huffington Post.

Below is the letter I wrote to Victoria's Secret customer service. It was a small step toward activism and I am getting the word out on Facebook and here. However, the reality is that a big company like this isn't going to make changes simply, because they will loose my business. But imagine if they lost hundreds of peoples business, especially during the holiday season? That might make them listen. And if they lost thousands of peoples' business from all over the country? That might make them change.

Man or woman, I urge you to get involved: write an email, post the article, tell someone you know about this issue. We need to combat the culture of rape that is prevalent in our society and lend our support, our money, and our voice to those, like FORCE who are trying to create a culture where consent is sexy.


Dear Victoria's Secret Customer Service,

I am an Angel Credit Card holder and exclusively buy my intimate apparel at Victoria's Secret. I like the styles, the fit, and easy accessibility. In the past I have been disappointed by rumors of poor working conditions for your garment makers. This is just heresy, because I have not been able to find any direct studies that show that Victoria's Secret's garments are made in sweat-shops. However, your garments are made in countries like India, Shri Lanka, and China, to name a few, which are notorious for their dangerous working conditions, measly pay, and loose labor laws. I considered pulling my business and encouraging others to do the same, but I did a little cross comparison and realized that most intimate apparel is manufactured in countries with similar working conditions, pay, and labor laws. I decided to keep my business with Victoria's Secret. 

Now I am reading about the issue with the FORCE website, "pinklovesconsent.com". As an advocate for consent and as a woman, I am appalled that you are fighting for your brand over educating the public about consent. As a company, you should be HONORED that FORCE is using your brand to create awareness on this very important subject. I am not sure about the legality surrounding the use of your logo and name, but FORCE  says that parody is protected under the 1st amendment. Either way, it is just tacky and offensive that you asked and then compeled them, through lawyers, to take it down. 

I was already contemplating taking my business to competitors, because of the labour issue and have not been very impressed with the products or customer service recently. Now, I am definitely taking my business somewhere else, unless Victoria's Secret can change their tune. Get on board with consent! Change the culture of rape that is rampent in our society. As a store mainly for women, you should be empowering women. FORCE is trying to do just that, so you should be supporting them, funding them, and thanking them, not getting in their way. Your argument for making them take down the website was that you did not want your customers confused. This customer is not confused: it is crystal clear to me that you are A company I no longer want to support. 

Sincerely, 
Robyn Hall 

Reducing Car[bon] (Part 1)

Currently Robyn and I are halfway through our self-titled Great Bike 'N' Rail Adventure to Southern California.

Amtrak Pacific Surfliner

In brainstorming the trip, we had several objectives, goals, and questions. A few of them are as follows:

Could We? Is it even possible? Can two people travel 500 miles each way within California using only pedals and public transportation? This is a step beyond the family pickup at the train station or airport. Could an entire trip, door to door, be done without the use of a car, especially to suburban destinations? 

Should We? What are the practical issues facing car-free travel? Will we be able to fit a week's worth of supplies in our panniers and still look presentable for Thanksgiving dinner? Will the financial and environmental savings offset the inconvenience of unpredictable public or lengthy self-powered transit? 

Would We? Would we eagerly embrace this car-free adventure? And afterward the trip is completed, would we consider it a one-time experience? Or a new approach to long-distance transportation? 

We made it to Murrieta, although not without several challenges along the way. Once our trip is complete, I hope to follow up with several observations, pictures, reflections, and recommendations for long distance car-free travel. In the meantime, I leave you with the one question most clearly reflected on the face of those we discuss our trip with:

Are we crazy?

 The Details:

- Jumping on BART from San Francisco to Oakland Jack London Square

- Taking the Amtrak bus from Oakland to San Luis Obispo (originally this was to be a train, but it was delayed 11 hours, so we took a bus instead)

- Riding our bikes from San Luis Obispo to Robyn's extended family in Los Osos

- Riding our bikes back to San Luis Obispo

- Taking Amtrak to Los Angeles Union Station

- Taking the Metrolink to Corona

- Riding our bikes from Corona to my parents house in Murrieta (we almost made it! but we were 10 miles short before it got too dark!)

- Carpooling to the Rose Bowl to watch Stanford take on UCLA

- Taking Amtrak from Los Angeles back home to San Francisco

Part 1: Love your City

The photo is framed in our foyer. Snapped innocuously enough as the two of us strolled through the Tenderloin a year ago, the photograph spoke to my soul. Since then, the image has been imprinted to the back of closed eyelids, seeping through my conscious. To me it has become the artistic representation of my two years spent in San Francisco.

I first spoke the words to Robyn in late 2011. We had recently relocated to the south end of the mission district. Bicycling the early-morning surface streets of an autumn San Francisco gave me clarity of thought not found when previously underground. And as graduate school decisions, although not imminent, looked on the horizon, I told her:

I think I'm falling in love with San Francisco.

Huh?

By love I mean a deep passion for the city and all its residents to prosper. By love I mean a desire for beautiful public spaces to emerge from curbside parking or abandoned lots. By love I mean removing the shackles of violence and slavery from our "unlovable" neighborhoods. By love I mean innovations in the building industry to reduce our energy consumption and footprint. By love I mean intentionally creating space, conversations, or opportunities for people to ask spiritual questions about God. By love I mean feeling the shared pain of the community when injustice occurs. By love I mean...

This is new for me. Never before have I loved my city, no, not like this. I had constructed hazy warm recollections- most likely not my own but instead mental recreations of stories told to me- of my early years in Santa Barbara and Pasadena. My relationship with Murrieta was like my relationship with my first car: the Ford Taurus was functional, spacious, and sometimes frustrating, but I never knew anything different. San Luis Obispo was a place of tremendous growth in my life, and certainly when the beautiful hills turned green in springtime I exclaimed "I love SLO!" more than once. But on reflection I see that was a surface love, an infatuation and fondness for a beautiful and important location. As I grew and matured, SLO seemed a location ever the same, a location unwilling to ask the same questions I held in my soul.

San Francisco is an easy place to love. We can bike and bus everywhere, instead of sitting in traffic. We have incredible community events such as Off The Grid. It is more convenient to try to live as Ordinary Extremists. All which make San Francisco a fantastic training ground to learn to love a city. Perhaps in future years Robyn and I will be called towards a geographic location less glamorous, less affluent, less... easy. Perhaps not. Either way, my soul now has a new tagline:

Love your city.


Coming soon:
Part 2: Love your Neighborhood
Part 3: Love your Campus?

Ordinary Extremist

Today I went to the local cooperative grocery store, Rainbow Grocery, to pick up some fair trade, organic, and/or local items. Recently, we discovered that toiletry items, like shampoo and soap, come with a human price tag. Workers who make these items are not paid ethical wages and the farmers who provide the ingredients are not paid a livable wage.  In an attempt to not take advantage of others, we decided to buy fair trade and organic soap and shampoo. These, sadly, can only be found at our co-op.

While riding home, I was thinking about a documentary called No Impact Man. Find it on Netflix instant if you are interested. This man lived intentionally in a way that would have limited impact on the earth for one year. To do this he bought local food, lived without electricity, and only used a bike as his only means of transportation. The journey his family went on was convicting and unimaginable. It seems very extremist.

Some people when they look our life say we are extremist. Danny rides a bike to work most days. We don't own a car. We are constantly looking for USA made clothing and household items. We are willing to pay more for things made locally. I do not have insurance by choice and instead pay into a Christian cooperative where people all over the country share each others medical bills. Danny and I care deeply about human well-being, the care of our earth, and living in counter-cultural ways.

We are motivated by Jesus' teachings to love unconditionally and with his power, right the things that are wrong in our world. It is wrong that Fresno's air quality is so poor, because of pollution from cars in the surrounding metropolises. It is wrong that farmers who labor over coffee beans are paid pennies for what we pay dollars for on a daily basis. It is wrong that children are taken from their homes and forced to mine for precious gems. So, because we love Jesus and he has given us everything, we buy local, organic, and fair trade. Oh and we ride bikes.

As I was on the bus I was thinking that my purchases put me closer to living like No Impact Man. And I smiled. To me, this is becoming ordinary. This is the way we are living. One life style choice at a time  to better love our neighbors, both near and far, and our world. Some would say we are extremist, but to me it is just ordinary.

Chasing Bubbles

There are fleeting moments of pure happiness. I experienced one this week while watching kids chase bubbles. It was the end of a long day. Our feet dragged as if there were milestones embedded within our soles. My watch seemed to be moving backwards as I longed for the twenty minutes until my charges would disseminate into the arms of their adoring parents. Six of us total marched as a gauntlet crew, toward the grass with a foreboding from trying to kill time.

The first bubble was released into the atmosphere. Shrieks and laughter filled the college campus. Passer-byers, young and old, were compeled from their inner world to grin. Squeals of delight followed the children as they lept toward each small rainbows The sound would decrescendo until a twitch of my wrist and the invisible momentum of the wind would rush through my magic wand creating a stream of emerald, ruby, and diamond orbs. Jackets were cast to the ground no longer needed because of the rare San Francisco summer sunshine streaming down and the warmth that bubbles up when distracted by play. The children would rush back to me as the tide rushes back to the shore, the twinkle in their eyes betraying pure happiness.

From the treasured sunshine to the elegant simplicity of children playing to the fleeting beauty of bubbles, the moment was complete. I was content. Why can't all of life be like chasing bubbles?

Empire State of Mind

In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,There's nothing you can't do, now you're in New YorkThese streets will make you feel brand newBig lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York-Jay-Z


At the end of May we got to take a spontaneous trip to New York City to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. I received a full scholarship (flight, room, and food stipend) to attend NCORE 2012, the National Conference on Race and Ethnicity in higher education, through my Gates Millenium Scholarship community. There will be a later post on my experiences at this conference. With my travel taken care of, we changed our anniversary and summer vacation plans and off we went to the Big Apple. 


We arrived on a Thursday night and Friday was jammed packed. We were staying with my best friend and maid of honor in our wedding, Catherine, for two nights. She lives on the boarder of the East  Village and Noho, so we decided to do all the downtown stuff on Friday morning. This included ground zero- just looking at the new construction- wall street, and Staten Island ferry. On our way to the ferry we found a little alley with restaurants and pubs and had to stop to get a flight of beer. 

Handsome Man

Beer Flight

On the Staten Island Ferry

The reason we took the ferry...free view!

Once in Staten Island we got hot dogs and hopped on the next ferry back to Manhattan. We took the subway up to the NYC Modern Musuem of ARt, affectionately called the MOMA. Every Frifay there is free admission, so it was packed! We did a quick two hour walk through of the six floors. Next, we headed to the Empire State Builbiding and waited in this line....

Line at Empire State Building

...For about an hour and then were told that we would have about another hour to two hour wait and there was no visibility at the top. We decided to cut our losses and come back early another day. We headed to Korean BBQ and then called it a night.

Korean BBQ

Empire State lit up for Memorial Day

 Saturday was Brooklyn day! We LOVED Brooklyn! It felt like San Francisco with the farmers market, people with canvas bags, and bikes everywhere. We ate pizza, strolled the streets, and got our discount Broadway tickets. Walking back across the Brooklyn bridge provided some amazing views and opportunities to avoid tourist on bikes. Once back in the city we went back to Ground Zero to see the memorial. It is a very humbling place to vist. That night we went to the Broadway play, The Columnist. We did not know anything about this play and were by far the youngest people in the audience, but it was a great performance and loved "taking in" a play in New York.

Manhattan Bridge

Danny and the Brooklyn Bridge

Brooklyn Bridge

The City

The Surviving Tree at Ground Zero

Ready to see The Columnist

By 8 am the next day we were at the Empire State Building and at the top in less than an hour. Best way to do it! After taking in the views we headed over to Macy's to see the wooden escalators. Then we headed back to our hotel for some down time before heading out to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. We went to a matinee of the new Broadway musical Memphis. The music was breathtaking and had lots of dancing. We both left with stars in our eyes. For dinner, we headed down to little Italy and had an amazing meal and stroll around the street fair that was taking place. It was a romantic evening with my love.

So excited there is no line!

Us at the top

View to Downtown from the top. The tallest building is the new building at the World Trade Center that is almost complete. 

Wooden escalators at Macy's, the largest store in the world!

After the Show

Where we had dinner. (Would recommend!)

Party in Little Italy

Our last day, Monday, was an all day bike ride around central park. My friend Catherine joined us and we may have converted another person to become a city bike rider! It was a great way to see the park. For lunch we headed up to the West Side, by Columbia University, to find the restaurant fasade used in Seinfeld television series. It is called Joe's Restaurant and is an excellent New York dinner experience. That evening, I started my conference and brought our adventure together to an end. Well, so we thought. We had a nice anniversary surprise when Danny's Tuesday afternoon flight was canceled. While it is never fun to have a cancelled flight, which messed up Danny's work schedule, it was nice to be able to go out for a glass of sparkling wine after my conference that night.

Catherine and Danny at Bethesda Fountain

Danny at Seinfeld Restaurant

Us with the view of the city

We are very grateful to have been able to take this trip and experience this city together. New York's lights did inspire us as Jay-Z promised, but it wasn't to live in New York. Rather, New York made us more remember the sparkling lights on the other coast. It made us long for our dreams in the city we experience and love everyday: San Francisco, our home. 

BEST day ever!

I wrote this back in October, but never posted it. As I am waiting on a job again and do not have the affirmation of my professors close at hand, it encouraged me to remember what God did in the past. I may not "feel" the joy I did the day I wrote this, but I can choose that joy today. 

Yesterday I felt undiluted joy. It has been awhile that I felt giddy like this. I actually went running down a hill to meet Danny.

The reason? A job and the public affirmation of a paper I had written. Kind of depressing when I think about it, but there are some deeper reasons why it brought so much joy.

I am growing: Personally and professionally I am changing, growing, and adapting. This is something to be joyful about after so many years of not feeling like I was developing new skills. After so many years of being bored in my undergraduate study, it feels good to be challenged. However, it was nice to to be public affirmed for the kick-ass-paper I wrote. After three years in ministry at Cal Poly it feels good to be chosen for a job in the "real" world. It has been a struggle to find a job that validates my experiences and learnings from Intervarsity. I did not do ministry to get a job, but it has been a frustrating 6 months of looking for a part-time job. My skills of public speaking and self management that InterVarsity taught me were to my advantage in this interview. I was actually compared to Bill Clinton! So, it gives me joy to see that through the sludge of growth, a couple of flowers are beginning to bud.

I have been noticed: This is not taught as a good thing, but I can't lie. It feels good. Plain and simple. My little heart is desperate for recognition and now I have received it. It is a challenge for me to not be so swayed by others opinions of me and I am working on being less dependent on others' opinions of me. However, I don't think we notice each others' accomplishments enough. Critique is long lived, but congratulations is only momentary. More affirmation needs to happen to compensate for the its transient nature. I need to take this advice myself and celebrate those around me. I need to notice the kind actions and the job well done of those around me and proclaim it.

I am excited about the vision: The reason I can write a good paper is the fact that I LOVE what I am studying. The reason I can sell myself well in an interview is because I truly believe in what they are doing. I am excited to work with people who are striving for justice in the juvenile justice system. I love going to class and talking about theories with classmates who are self reflecting and changing their own behavior.

I'm challenged: Growth is happening. People see it in me. But just because today is a good day, I also know that the next challenge, which will help me grow further, is just around the bend. I know that this job and the next paper will keep me thinking, improving, and changing professionally and personally.

The joy comes from the fact that I am where I am suppose to be, even when it's hard.

Off the Grid

Photo Credit: Danny Hall

Back in the early spring we went with some friends to Off the Grid, which is an event when the food trucks of San Francisco gather in one place to delight the peoples' sense of taste. There are Indian, Mexican, American, Korean food trucks that gather in a specific location on specific nights or afternoons during the week. We went to the one at  Fort Mason. What we saw when we got there was incredible. Rather than just six trucks that we had seen at a previous experience in a different neighborhood, an entire parking lot was surrounded by glorious food trucks offering tantalizing snacks like sushi, chili fries, and cupcakes.

Curry Up Now Truck, Photo Credit: Dany Hall

We strolled around until each of the six of us had decided where we wanted to eat. Danny and I chose the Curry Up Now truck. Indian curries that make your nose and eyes run in a portable wrap? Yes please! Danny chose a vegetarian naan that wasn't as portable, but just as tasty. We grabbed some Mexican Coke and parked our behinds to listen to the entertainment: a reggae, Latin, rap group whose free style included "San Francisco" at least 40 times. For dessert we split a miniature nutella and strawberry creme brule. AMAZING!

Photo Credit: Danny Hall

This event is one of the many reasons we love SF. People were out, exploring new foods, new sounds, and enjoying community.

Commute by Bike - Getting Started

Interested in becoming a fully-fledged bicycle commuter? You're in luck! In honor of today's bike to work day in San Francisco, I thought I would put together a short list of my advice for a bike commuter newbie.

Using a bike as your primary means of transportation to work can be an overwhelming experience. Most people are not even sure where to start. My suggestions?

Step 1 - Reflect. Why do you want to ride your bike to work (or school, or downtown)? Is it finding the time for exercise during your busy schedule? Are you trying to lower your carbon footprint? Do you enjoy being outside in the fresh air instead of inside a traffic-lodged car? Are you trying to save money on gas and parking? Are you planning on transitioning to a car-free lifestyle? There are plenty of fantastic reasons to spin those pedals. If you understand your conviction for two-wheelin' it, you will be more likely to push through during the "learning curve."

Also understand there will be sacrifices, like leaving earlier in the morning, or showing up a bit sweaty to work. Can you live with that?

Step 2 - Research. Imagine you just moved to a new city and have no idea how to maneuver the new freeways and main roads. This is exactly what it is like when you start riding a bike in your city for the first time. You need to discover the main "biking" roads. Start with your city's local bicycle coalition. They will often be a great resource for local routes and will often offer a downloadable map. Also use the bike tool on  Google Maps to look for local bike routes and give you estimated trip duration. It is surprisingly accurate. At the beginning, my ride to the office took exactly the 35 minutes predicted.

Step 3 - Buy. For me, the biggest obstacle to a bike purchase was sticker shock. No, you cannot get a good new bike for $200. Don't even try. For a new bike, you should expect to spend $500 minimum, and a high quality commuter bike will be from $1000 to $1500. No department store bikes from Walmart or Target! My bike was $1000 dollars, but in the last year I have ridden it over 1,000 miles. Let's say my bike lasts only 5 years (I expect it to last at least 10) and I ride it only 5000 miles. Average cost per mile? 20 cents. Average cost per mile to drive a car? 59.6 cents. So realistically, that $1000 price tag is a fraction of what you are paying to drive.

I suggest visiting at least 3 bike shops. Bike shops have agreements with different manufacturers, or brands, of bikes, so you will find new options at each shop. There are lots of different types of bikes depending on what you are looking for (touring bikes, cyclo-cross, road bikes, mountain bikes, folding bikes, single-speed). Do you have a lot of hills? Do you prefer speed or comfort? My suggestion is to look for a steel frame. Although a bit heavier, steel will be most comfortable for longer rides and sturdier when carrying heavier loads. If you can afford it, an internally geared rear hub is amazing for city riding. Be specific on what your needs are, and most bike shops should be able to offer a couple options that will be a great fit for you!

Step 4 - Accessorize. Fenders are a must to keep you dry and clean. I highly recommend a rear rack and pannier set (I have this one) for storing a change of clothes. Although some prefer a messenger bag, I like the panniers because it keeps the weight (and sweat) off my back. Get some rechargeable bike lights for night riding, a sturdy U-lock, and a nice helmet.

You should invest in some warm bike gloves, and a windproof jacket does wonders for me in San Francisco. Once you become more comfortable, I would highly recommend a pair of hybrid shoes for clip-in pedals. I have these.

And if you are especially trendy, shops like PushBike offer fashionable, bike-friendly attire.

Step 5 - Ride. Expect it to be an adjustment at first. Be patient. Don't give up. And eventually the warm sunshine, the cool breeze, and the joy of life on a bike will win you over!

I'll see you on the streets...

Internal Conversation

I catch a glimpse of myself smiling in the passing store window on my way to the bus.

"I just wrote a blog post about how I identify with Blair from Gossip Girl. Now, I am planning a post about how I resonate with Katniss from Hunger Games? Robyn, those characters are complete opposites. One is a prissy privileged dress wearing young woman who meddles in other people's lives and the other is a tough, non-approachable, pants wearing young woman who finds a way to stick it to those in power while fighting for her life."

This time I laugh out loud, startling the older gentleman walking the opposite direction.

"Of course. How fitting that I identify with both the feminine and the badass motif. I am both of those. Maybe someday I will star in a movie about a dress wearing super-hero. Damn, there goes my bus."