I am still wrestling with the concept of a Scandalous Jesus, but life has interfered in my reflective practice. Because of some complications, I may not be teaching 7th grade math and science at my school next year. In January we, my administration and I, had thought I would for sure have a postion at Melrose, but in March we became aware that I was on a temporary contract. As much as my principal wants to keep me, she may not be able to due to district politics. So, I have been on the hunt for a new job, just in case. I had two interviews this week that went well and are both for middle school math and science. One job is in Oakland and one job is in San Francisco. Right now I am in a holding pattern, waiting for a call back, hoping my current principal can sort things out, and continuing to apply for other positions, just in case.
Meanwhile Danny is giving the biggest presentation of his academic career today with two hours of sleep. One of his group members, who is from Polland, stayed with us last week and tomorrow we are hosting is entire team, from all over the world, for a celebration. Oh, and he continues with his other classes and Research Assistant and Teacher Assistant positions. Needless to say, we have been busy, stressed, and overwhelmed. To add to the madness we also made the decision to go spend the summer in Europe without me having a job locked down for next year.
So many emotions and thoughts have come up in this time:
1. Is it smart to take off for the summer if I don't have a job?
2. Is is being careless with the resources God has given us?
3. Or has God blessed us with resources and time to take this adventure to restore our souls after a year of intensity in the city and in school?
4. Where should I take a job? Is it selfish to take an increase in pay and less of a comute?
5. Is it selfish to want to teach "easier" students? (Which hit me yesterday as I dealt with behavior issues all day in class yesterday. This is an especially challenging question since I pride myself on being "called" to the difficult students. Am I already burned out after a year? Or is this why God is giving me Europe? To revive my soul and marriage to enter back into the spiritual battle ground of inner-city teaching? Either way, I don't like the feel this questions brought up...)
6. Am I ready to be a leader in incorporating social justice into my curriculum?
7. Is it selfish to want more of my husband's attention, when he is already giving me everything he has?
8. Why do I crave my "own" space so much?
9. What do I need for our trip and what do I just want?
10. What is the purpose of this trip?
11. Am I becoming lazy in my current job, because I am withdrawing?
12. When are we ever going to settle down, buy a house, and have kids? (Random I know.)
12. What does God have for me in all this?
I know...it is a lot of questions. But I was reminded this week through Richard Foster's Sanctuary of the Soul that when I listen to the voice of God, he rarely has provided me with a life a map. Instead he offers me peace, security, and rest. And I felt these things as I let go of all my questions, let my Lord be with me, and let the truth that he loves me and he has good plans for me sink in. When the flood of questions and insecurities come, I remember that I am loved and he has never let me down before. I am going to keep persisting in taking risks each day with the trust that he will catch me if I fall.